The following is the second in a series of three articles highlighting the journey of hope, healing and forgiveness three women found through Rachel’s Vineyard, a ministry of Priests for Life that provides weekend post-abortion healing retreats nationally and in the Archdiocese of Detroit, and Silent No More, a campaign to raise awareness about the devastation of abortion and healing resources available. Contact Rachel’s Vineyard at 877-HOPE-4-ME.
Denise A. Stearns | The Michigan Catholic
LAKE ORION — Monica’s early years had provided “none of the usual joys of childhood,” she explained. “My mother suffered from diabetes complicated by heart failure. Eventually she went blind. Since I was seven, I took care of her when my dad couldn’t.”
Hoping to escape the difficult domestic life, at 17, Monica “married my boyfriend, Alex, to get away from that,” she said. “I wanted to have kids and give them the childhood I never had.”
Despite the influx of the 1960s counterculture and the emergence of radical feminism, Monica’s ideals remained traditional. She longed to be a wife and mother. “I loved babies; I always loved to babysit, to care for children. My first job was working in a daycare center,” she said.
Shortly after their wedding, Monica conceived. “I felt my dreams coming true, my first pregnancy was so much joy. I loved having my beautiful Christina,” she said.
Marital difficulties
However, the marriage with Alex soured rapidly. He drank excessively and abused her physically and emotionally. “I was his emotional punching bag,” Monica recalled. “He must have had issues with women because he told me that I smelled and that I was ‘a stinky girl.’ Instead of loving marital intimacy, his comments wounded me deeply. I felt worthless.” When Christina was a toddler, Monica separated from Alex.
When Monica landed a job at Farmer Jack’s, she took Christina and shared living quarters and expenses with another single mom. While Christina was visiting Alex the following summer, Monica had an affair with Greg, a man she met at a community festival. “He was kind, positive, said all the things I was dying to hear.”
When the lab test confirmed her fears of conception, Monica turned to Greg for support. “He nonchalantly told me, ‘I know what to do. We’ll get you an abortion.’” Facing Greg’s lack of commitment, Monica went along with it. “My greatest fear was that my soon-to-be ex-husband would find out and somehow get custody of Christina. I wanted to please Greg and keep my secret from Alex,” she said.
Greg drove Monica to a Planned Parenthood in Grosse Pointe. “On the way to the clinic, I de-humanized that baby. I pictured her as just a small potential for life with no heartbeat,” she said. Monica said that contrary to the organization’s public mission statement, they offered “no help in considering alternatives. The staff was eager to do a procedure on me whether it was D&C [dilation and curettage], or an abortion. I got on the table, the doctor felt my stomach. ‘Six weeks,’ he said, and went to work. It hurt. If someone would have told me how much pain there was, it may have jarred me from my denial.”
The guilt begins
Following the abortion, Monica remembers being overwhelmed by guilt. “I leaned against the wall, and slid to the floor. That’s when it began — my remorse, my grief, my agony,” she said. “Afterward, Greg took me out for pizza. I felt like I was thrown out into the world and I was supposed to be OK. I wasn’t OK. I was in shock, numb, and I ended up carrying the burden of grief and shame for decades.”
Feeling totally worthless, Monica went back to Alex, “because living with him was better than what I was doing with myself. I wanted to make it work.” The guilt from the abortion still loomed. “We had a plaque displaying the Ten Commandments. I would see it and cringe,” she said. “I had to take it down. Whenever I heard the word abortion, I would feel sick and think, ‘how very small that baby was.’”
More children
When Monica discovered she was pregnant by Alex with their son, Colin, she felt none of the joys she had with Christina. “I was ashamed,” she said. “I wore big shirts to hide the pregnancy. I thought God would punish me for the abortion — that this child would die, that God would take him.”
But giving birth to their third child, Catherine, proved to be life-changing. Monica’s marriage to Alex ended the day the baby was born. “I learned in Lamaze that I should walk to ease my contractions,” she said. “As the hours passed I started bleeding. Alex screamed at me in front of everyone. ‘Stand still! You’re making a mess!’ I was hurt and humiliated. The abusive ugliness in his words when I was at my most vulnerable (in active labor during childbirth) was devastating. Right then, I knew the marriage was over.” Resigned to the fact that the abuse would never stop, Monica divorced him.
Steps to recovery
The guilt of the abortion remained. Monica finally went to confession, but didn’t believe God forgave her.
A few years passed, and her marriage to Alex was finally annulled. Monica met Michael, a previously married man with two children of his own, who had also been granted an annulment. Michael took Monica to Mass. He encouraged her to attend retreats for Catholic women. After she married him, Monica said she felt called to perform charitable works.
“I think I wanted to make up the damage to my baby and to God,” she said. Monica volunteered with Big Brothers, Big Sisters, and eventually a nearby crisis pregnancy center. “As much as I wanted to help, it was too painful. I had to face what I had done to the baby who depended on me for her life,” she said. “I couldn’t take it. I stopped volunteering.”
She left — but not before reading about grief and long-term effects of post-abortion syndrome. “When I finally made the commitment to take the three days to go to Rachel’s Vineyard, I found peace. I reflected upon my life at [age] 20 when I had aborted Leigha Grace. Now, 33 years later, I finally knew healing. In June 2012, on my Rachel’s Vineyard Weekend, I gave my baby dignity. I gave her personhood, I gave her a name, and I grieved for her. It was difficult for me to accept her forgiveness, but knowing she is all light, goodness, and love, I now believe she loves and forgives me.
I was able to accept Christ’s mercy and His merciful healing. No matter how often I uttered ‘I am sorry, little one,’ it wasn’t until I experienced His mercy and my child’s love that I actively began to heal.”
Faith in practice
In late 2012, the crisis pregnancy center contacted Monica, requesting her return. In April 2013, she gave up her weekly day off to mentor women who have problem pregnancies.
Michael and Monica, who is a licensed rehab practitioner, will soon celebrate 20 years of marriage. Both are extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion. Monica is attending her parish’s lector training. Together, they have six children, four grandchildren, and three dogs. “By God’s grace the guilt has been lifted,” she says. “I am so grateful to the Church for Rachel’s Vineyard.”
Denise Ann Stearns is a freelance writer/graphic artist living in Lake Orion. Her company, LIFESTAR SERVICES, provides publication support and print management services to pro-life organizations. Email her at [email protected].
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries is an organization offering weekend retreats for women who have had abortions as well as others who have been wounded or hurt by abortion. Women, men, couples, grandparents and former abortion providers are welcome. The Rachel’s Vineyard program provides an opportunity for women to examine their experience with abortion and identify ways that the loss caused by abortion has impacted them in the past and present.
Rachel’s Vineyard is a ministry of Priests for Life and has a broadly Roman Catholic ethos with a Catholic Mass celebrated as an integral part of the retreat, but the organization offers non-denominational retreats for non-Catholics. Rachel’s Vineyard offers 196 retreat sites in 41 countries and is available in 19 languages.
Visit the website at www.rachelsvineyard.org or call the 24/7 phone help line at 1-877-HOPE-4-ME.
Upcoming Rachel’s Vineyard weekends
Detroit area
May 31-June 2
Chris Elwart: (248) 494-6363 | [email protected]
Grand Rapids area
May 31-June 1
Maggie Walsh: (616) 340-1824 or (800) 800-8284 | [email protected]
Ann Arbor area
June 14-16
Beth Bauer: (734) 369-3470 | [email protected]
Manistique area (Upper Peninsula)
June 21-23
Lori Hardwick: (906) 644-2771 | [email protected]
