Mary H. Murray | Special to The Michigan Catholic
Rochester Hills — When a couple becomes engaged to be married in the Catholic Church, it is everyone’s hope that the marriage will become and remain strong, thriving and vibrant. Pre-marital counseling and personality assessments have often been part of the marriage process in recent years.
With an exciting, challenging and unfamiliar path awaiting them, engaged couples at St. Mary of the Hills Parish in Rochester Hills are gifted with another navigational tool: a mentor couple.
But when it comes to mentoring the engaged, Debra Valot, coordinator of the mentor couple program at St. Mary of the Hills, says perfect couples need not apply.
“Is our marriage perfect? No,” Valot said. “We have problems and challenges. But one of the things I like about mentoring is that it helps us continue to grow.”
Valot’s husband, Clem, agrees.
“We are not therapists or counselors,” he said. “We are facilitators of discussion and growth, and we work, with warmth and care, within a structured program.”
Denis Naeger, chairman of the Pontiac Vicariate Council, said mentor couples receive training and resources that enable them, as lay people, to be an effective and competent help.
Training for mentor couples in the Pontiac Vicariate will be conducted by David Grobbel, associate director of the archdiocesan Marriage, Family and Pro-Life Office, in the fall. Naeger hopes couples in the vicariate — as well as throughout the Archdiocese of Detroit — will become excited about mentoring.
“Any couple reasonably happy in their marriage — not perfect — can help,” he said.
Chris and Jill Gumz, who have been married for seven years and have a 3-year-old son, had themselves been mentored during their engagement through the mentor couple program at St. Mary of the Hills.
“After our son was born, we went to Denis’ presentation ‘Ten Great Dates,’ which we loved,” Jill Gumz said. “Denis encouraged us to become a mentor couple. One night, Chris said ‘Let’s do it!’ I was excited by his enthusiasm and happily agreed.”
Gumz admits she was nervous. Had they been married long enough to be truly useful? Would they be required to give advice? Being barely 30 years old, were they too young? How would they conduct the mentoring sessions?
“Compared to the wise, long-lasting couples, we’ve only been married for a second,” she said, snapping her fingers animatedly.
But as they met with their first couple, they found the youth of their marriage to be an advantage.
“It seemed like we were only a half-step ahead of our mentorees,” Jill Gumz said. “Our experiences were recent history. It was fun to be young and talking about marriage in an intentional way to another young couple.”
Any concerns Jill and Chris had about leading the sessions were alleviated by their training, the format and the materials provided, she said.
Forming the foundation for the mentor couple process is a program called “Prepare-Enrich.” The engaged couple completes the “Prepare-Enrich” assessment online, and the mentor couple is provided with the assessment results and an instruction book that guides the session discussions, divided into six categories.
“We discovered that, as we worked with them on the topics of, say, conflict resolution or budgets, that our own skills in those areas improved,” Chris Gumz said.
Debra Valot said the beautiful part of the program for the mentor couples is that there is no need to provide answers.
“What you provide is the opportunity for them to talk to each other in a safe and supportive setting,” she said.
Chris Gumz likened the program to “a set of warm-up drills before the big game – not a hoop you have to go through.”
“I like that the couples get homework based on their assessment,” said Jill Gumz, a teacher. “It provides a focus for the next meeting and elicits commitment from the couple. The program gives you a lot to work with and lots of guidance. I enjoy the balance of spirituality, tools and the life skills it encourages.”
Both mentor couples describe with affection and enthusiasm how the sessions took place in their homes. “We start out in the living room. At the time when our kids were young, the children would definitely peek in. We don’t ‘hide’ our kids. That’s all part of it,” smiled Clem Valot. “Then we move to the kitchen table and continue, with the guidance of the program book.”
“I made snacks,” said Jill Gumz, “and encouraged them to nibble while I went to get their lemonade. It didn’t take long for everyone to feel comfortable.”
Marriage mentor couple training
Catholic married couples are encouraged to learn more about becoming a mentor couple by attending two training sessions Sept. 28 and Oct. 3 at St. Mary of the Hills Parish, 26a75 John R Road, Rochester Hills. The cost is $70 per couple and includes a marriage mentor manual and an online “Prepare-Enrich” inventory. For more information or to register, contact Denis Naeger at [email protected] or (248) 683-2514.
