Panelists offer advice singles on how to date with intentionality, pursue relationships rooted in faith

PLYMOUTH ─ Hundreds of single Catholics converged on St. John’s Resort in Plymouth for the 22^nd National Conference for Single Catholics, Aug. 25-27, learning how God is still calling them to holiness as they discern their vocation.

The three-day conference featured speakers, music and dance, church tours in Detroit and trips to West Michigan, an opportunity to get away from life’s routine and come together with friends old and new to give thanks for the blessing God has given each person, regardless of their relationship status.

The highlight of the conference was a series of speakers giving witness to the different paths and timelines in their vocation stories, but they all have a common denominator: God’s calling to holiness.

“I waited eight years to become a consecrated virgin because I wasn’t sure if this is what God wanted for me,” Dawn Hausmann, director of consecrated vocations and coordinator of young adult ministry and delegate of consecrated life in the Diocese of Lansing, said. “But a spiritual director told me, ‘Dawn, if God still has you as a single, there is a reason.’ We still wait for the gift God is to give us with our hearts open. We wait, ready to receive the gift. But while we wait, we are still where God wants us to be.”

The panelists told the audience what it means to intentionally discern God’s calling for them is rooted in finding God’s influence in one’s life.

“As many of you continue to live beautiful, single lives for the Lord, there is nothing wrong with living in that waiting in holiness and trust,” Hausmann said. “We were all called in expectation of the love God wants you to live today. God doesn’t want you to wait to live your calling, He wants you to live that vocation out today.”

The National Conference for Single Catholics is for singles from their 20s up to their 60s. The yearly gathering isn’t intended as a dating conference, but there have been examples of couples meeting at the conference or being the first face-to-face interaction after meeting online.

“The first year I went to the conference I was thinking, ‘Yes, I’m going to get a wife,’” joked Ray Spencer, who gave a keynote talk with his wife, Ary. “The second year, I was thinking ‘I’ll get a girlfriend.’ Then by the third year, it evolved into, ‘OK, I’ll get good Catholic friends.’ I started going to the conference, volunteering and it became when I would be a better Catholic, a better man.”

Ray met his wife on Catholic Match. He was living in Minnesota, and she was in Mexico. The two communicated for months before he went down to Mexico to meet her and her family for the first time.

Both began seriously dating and discerning married life later than most, meaning they had to be intentional about their dating and honest with each other about what they wanted as the relationships progressed.

“I was working in the corporate world at Nestle. I was young, working at this international company, thinking I had it all,” Ary Spencer said. “I had many friends I hung out with all the time. But looking at who was working at the higher positions in the company, they were older, not married, were alone, and I was thinking, this is not what I wanted.

“So I left my job, joining a renewal movement, Regnum Christi, through the Legionnaires of Christ,” Ary Spencer continued. “I was in my early 30s, thinking, ‘OK, I think I’m ready to get married. But after three years, I was thinking, ‘OK, God, where is he? Where is my prince?’”

The couple shared tips for online dating on how to avoid endless messages back and forth between one another and take the time to be present with the person whenever possible.

“It was important for us to Skype, to talk and see the other person, their reaction to things, to pay attention and to really be present with them,” Ray Spencer said. “Be intentional with the person you’re speaking with, let them know you are giving them your full attention. Texts and emails are great, but to see that person, in person, that is key.”

On the other side of the age bracket, Dom and Cass Mann presented how their relationship progressed after meeting in their 20s on Tinder and navigating the secular dating scene, emphasizing Christian grace and setting standards for what each person wanted in a partner.

Cass spoke about her struggles with some of her male friends objectifying her body, her own struggles with pornography and masturbation, and how those struggles were an impediment to the love she knew God had destined for her.

“I love the faith, I love being Catholic, but there are things we need to improve,” Cass Mann said. “No. 1, read the Bible. No. 2, sex and secularity are things that are gifts from God, and they are natural. And No. 3, and I can’t emphasize this enough, porn and masturbation are problems in our communities, and we need to be honest about them.”

Cass Mann said she had particular standards for what she wanted in a partner – he had to be taller than her and not drink alcohol – and wouldn’t compromise on those standards.

“Your partner is to compliment you, not complete you,” Cass Mann said. “If there is a hole in your life, God is meant to fill that hole, not your partner.”

Dom and Cass Mann are the founders of Stomp the Serpent, a media ministry that aims to inspire people to follow God’s divine plan in a secular world.

“God loves you so much, and He wants you to have so much, but that means walking the narrow path,” Dom Mann said.

“Our mission is to cast out the devil in your life,” Dom added. “Porn, angry music, sex scene, these things impact you, change you, draw you away from God. But through prayer, through discernment, through the people you are around, you can transform yourself to be the person God wants you to be. That is what it means to live intentionally, walking the path God wants you to walk.”

The conference’s primary focus was on singles who have never been married, with a specialization around faith formation for Catholic singles who are working on themselves before seriously dating or pursuing a relationship.

But there was also content for Catholic singles who are parents, be they separated or divorced, and the role parents have in teaching the faith to their children, regardless of their living situation.

J.P. DeGance is the co-author with Dr. John van Epp of “Endgame: The Church’s Strategic Move to Save Faith and Family in America,” and spoke to the conference about the role fathers have in transmitting the faith to their children and some of the sociological reasons why there has been a 77% decline in Catholic marriages since 1970.

DeGance shared statistics that 50% of singles fit the public health definition of lonely, with 68% of men and 64% of women who have never married are considered lonely.

“What has happened is a shift in concept from a cornerstone marriage, something one sets first when building a life, to a capstone marriage, something one does as an end goal,” DeGance said.

DeGance said healthy relationships and healthy marriages are centered on having an exchange view of marriage over a complementary view of marriage.

“An exchange view of marriage is like one of business partners, two people equally entering into a partnership for mutual needs, they see each other as independently established already, and now they are just joining assets,” DeGance said. “We need to look for complementary relationships, realizing we are not out to find an idealized view of ourselves. You are not looking to marry a version of yourself of the opposite sex, you are actually looking for someone that compliments you.”

DeGance said this relationship building first starts with how people discern who to date, moving away from a consumerist mentality that focuses on a person’s characteristics and “checks all the boxes,” instead of authentically building a relationship with a person.

“There is not consumerism in relationships,” DeGance said. “Consumerism is ‘having this being.’ One aspect of this is the culture of dating apps and the rise in the consumer approach to dating. Dating has turned into going on a date, thinking, ‘Oh, she could be a good partner, it was a good date. But there might be someone better.’ As Catholics, we need to avoid this consumer mentality with dating.”

Bishop Earl Boyea of Lansing joined the conference attendees for Mass on Saturday at the Sts. Mary and Joseph Chapel, reminding the congregation that through the Trinity, no one person is ever alone.

“No one is a single here, we are all here with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,” Bishop Boyea said in his homily. “No one is single, you are not alone, you are with God.”

The Mass included readings from the Book of Ruth, chronicling the story of Ruth, a Moabite woman who moves with Naomi, her Israelite mother-in-in-law, back to Judah, and eventually wins the love and marriage of Boaz, a wealthy relative of Naomi, and the couple would become the great-grandparents of King David.

Bishop Boyea said what is remarkable about the Book of Ruth is God’s plan does not come into fruition through His direct intervention, but rather through the people put in Ruth’s life.

This lesson is a critical lesson for all single Catholics, Bishop Boyea said, in looking for God’s presence and His will for each person through the presence of other people in their lives.

“Today, nowhere in the Book of Ruth is God mentioned, because each person is a manifestation of God,” Bishop Boyea said. “It is easy to see the Divine Providence. God wants to act in our lives, to be agents of his work. And when we work with God’s will, take part in his plan for us, we will find that love. We will find we are not alone.”