Metro Detroit — The “d” word is an ugly word.

But for many couples, the word “divorce” is seen as the only option to a hurting marriage.

Today, Mark and Betty Squier are leaders in Metro Detroit’s marriage-saving “Retrouvaille” program. But back in 1986, their marriage was failing, and the “d” word loomed over the horizon.

Following Mark Squier’s affair with a coworker and subsequent filing for a divorce, Betty Squier herself suffered a mental breakdown and depression. The strain of the situation was also difficult on their five children, whose ages at the time ranged from five to 17.

Looking for help, they eventually attended an archdiocesan “Look Again” program in their area, which offered some of the support they needed to rebuild their marriage.

“Raising five children consumed a lot of my time, and I unknowingly was neglecting Mark,” said Betty Squier. “When I learned at the ‘Look Again’ weekend how he felt, I was truly sorry for how our marriage relationship had evolved. We focused all our attention on family and our household, so our busy schedules left no time for us as a couple.”

Mark Squier canceled the divorce and ended the relationship at work, but the course of healing was long, and couldn’t be accomplished in a day.

“We struggled for the next two-and-a-half years until we resolved not to throw around the ‘d’ word every time we were upset with each other,” said Mark Squier.

Through trial and error, they learned the importance of good communication and daily dialogue. Their marriage was saved in the end, but the Squiers knew they could do more. They wanted to help other couples whose marriages were struggling.

 

The arrival of Retrouvaille

Retrouvaille, which is a French word for “rediscovery,” originally started in Quebec in 1977 and was held in French. Branching out to an English-speaking program in Toronto, it eventually crossed over into the United States.

In 1991, with the help of the Squiers and four other couples, the Metro Detroit Retrouvaille program began under the leadership of Fr. Sylvester Taube. Today, more than 5,000 couples in the area have been helped by the program.

“Some of the most beautiful couples I know are people who went through a lot of misery and are now much more deeply in love,” said Fr. Taube, now a senior priest in the archdiocese. “I’m just so touched by the beauty of the couples I work with. It’s just a powerful witness.”

He explained that a big reason for Retrouvaille’s success is in the different “phases” of the program.

The first phase is the Registration Phase, in which a couple discovers Retrouvaille, sends in their application, is interviewed to learn more, and is assigned a “couple number.”

Retrouvaille works with the hotels and conference centers they use so they don’t divulge the names of the couples, for the sake of confidentiality and anonymity, Mark Squier said.

“We give them name tags with only first names,” he said. “We will never divulge their name to anyone outside the Retrouvaille organization.”

Next comes the Attending the Weekend Phase, held at the hotel or conference center, which starts on a Friday and lasts to the end of Sunday. The third phase is the Post-Weekend Phase, and is the most important part, covering two topics for six weekly two-hour sessions at different church locations.

The fourth phase is not mandatory, but many couples find the monthly CORE (Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience) meetings helpful.

 

Being Jesus’ presence

Fr. Clement Suhy’s parents’ marriage was more than saved by Retrouvaille; it proved a life-changing opportunity for their entire family, and Fr. Suhy himself now assists in the local Retrouvaille program.

Fr. Suhy, associate pastor at Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish, Plymouth, was mentored by Fr. Taube, who helped him understand the importance of a priest’s presence in the program.

“The priest is a tangible sign of Jesus’ presence during the weekend,” Fr. Suhy said. “The presence of the priest also puts a human countenance and a smile, and even some tears, to this presence of Jesus amidst couples in a troubled marriage.”

The priests also offer the sacrament of reconciliation, and offer Masses on Saturday and Sunday during the weekend. Retrouvaille is not limited to Catholics, however, with as many as 50 percent of couples coming from other backgrounds.

Betty Squier said that despite the impressive Retrouvaille numbers — and the fact that the Metro Detroit program has reached more couples than any other Retrouvaille branch in the world — the divorce rate in Michigan is still close to 30,000-40,000 couples each year.

“Getting involved in this ministry helped heal our own marriage,” she said. “Our kids are grateful that we reconciled. Retrouvaille taught us that some conflicts don’t matter: we can accept each other as we are because we are a gift to each other and a gift from God.”

 

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Retrouvaille in your area

For Retrouvaille resources in the Metro Detroit area, visit www.retrouvaille.info, or call (248) 382-8281 (English-speaking program) or (248) 838-9508 (Spanish-speaking program). Visit www.retrouvaille.org to learn about the program in other parts of the United States and around the world. Full or partial scholarships are also available; no couple is denied for inability to pay registration fee.